A Little Update

Tomorrow Mom goes to a specialist in "The City", Oklahoma City to be exact. Don't know why we just call it the city instead of OKC or something, must be an Okie thing. "Where ya goin'?" "The city." "How far is it?" "Bout 30 minutes." Ha Ha Okies rule! So she goes to the doc and he is supposed to be awesome and we will know more tomorrow. Everyone has gotten over the ugly cries and we are now ready to kick some dirty cancer ASS!
I have NO creative juice lately! I started an altered book for my friend Christa and have maybe done three or four things to it. Now it is acting as a coaster on my coffee table. Just sitting there, taunting me. I did have food poisoning Sunday from Delta Cafe and it sucked! I will never eat there again and will tell everyone I know to never eat there again. If anyone is going to get some form of a food borne illness it's always me. I'm sooo lucky!
On a good note, we have gotten all of our paperwork from DHS about opening the daycare. Now there are a few requirements to fill and we need our background checks done then we are ready to go! I'm excited and nervous with lots of questions and ideas floating around. I really can't wait to get this thing going, up and running and being profitable. I think I'll be using the name "All About Kids" for all of the official mumbo jumbo. I don't know if there is going to be lots of mumbo jumbo but it will at least look cute on a shirt!
All of your good vibes and happy prayers sent my Mom's way will surely be appreciated!!

Cancer

My mother has pancreatic cancer, the tumor almost completely covering the pancreas. This sucks.

I Lost My Shit

On Wednesday we had a family dinner at my mom's house which is unusual for us because we usually only eat together on Sunday nights. I knew something was up, have known somehow that something was wrong for a little while now. I walk in and ask why are we eating on a Wednesday and no one really says anything. I look at my Mom with this deadpan stare and just ask her,"Do you have cancer?" And she says......"maybe". Maybe she has cancer, maybe she doesn't, maybe she'll be around to see her grand kids grow up, maybe she won't. Maybe I'll be able to survive in this world without her and maybe I won't. She says that her doctor thinks she may have pancreatic cancer and she goes in for a CT scan Monday and then will get results like Thursday. Then I lose my shit. I start bawling like I bawled when I was five and accidentally broke my Mom's toe.(long, yet funny, story for another day) I cry so much my face looks like molten lava and my brother beelines for the computer room leaving a full plate of meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
And I'm still bawling, walking around with my heart in my throat and my stomach about to fall out of my butt. Everyone is sitting on their hands because there is nothing to do but wait or Google pancreatic ailments and I surely am not giving myself those nightmares.
My Mom is going to be 60 in August, has smoked since she was 14 and lives an incredibly high stress life. She's rounder than she should be and not as active as she could be. She has three kids, one grandson and lots of "adopted" kids and grand kid's. She's every one's Maw. She starts "Granny Boxes" for anyone that is having a baby because she loves the little clothes and any excuse to buy them. She has four red, fat dachshund's and lots of overgrown flower beds. She always smells so good, like dove soap and Rare Pearl perfume from Avon all mixed up in cigarette smoke, and she wears muumuu's. The kind of muumuu's with African safari scenes and burn holes on the belly of them. She's awesome.

I'm so fucking pessimistic. She's going to be fine and I need to just keep thinking positive thoughts. All that good stuff and happy vibes, whatever. I'm just so scared.