I Lost My Shit

On Wednesday we had a family dinner at my mom's house which is unusual for us because we usually only eat together on Sunday nights. I knew something was up, have known somehow that something was wrong for a little while now. I walk in and ask why are we eating on a Wednesday and no one really says anything. I look at my Mom with this deadpan stare and just ask her,"Do you have cancer?" And she says......"maybe". Maybe she has cancer, maybe she doesn't, maybe she'll be around to see her grand kids grow up, maybe she won't. Maybe I'll be able to survive in this world without her and maybe I won't. She says that her doctor thinks she may have pancreatic cancer and she goes in for a CT scan Monday and then will get results like Thursday. Then I lose my shit. I start bawling like I bawled when I was five and accidentally broke my Mom's toe.(long, yet funny, story for another day) I cry so much my face looks like molten lava and my brother beelines for the computer room leaving a full plate of meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
And I'm still bawling, walking around with my heart in my throat and my stomach about to fall out of my butt. Everyone is sitting on their hands because there is nothing to do but wait or Google pancreatic ailments and I surely am not giving myself those nightmares.
My Mom is going to be 60 in August, has smoked since she was 14 and lives an incredibly high stress life. She's rounder than she should be and not as active as she could be. She has three kids, one grandson and lots of "adopted" kids and grand kid's. She's every one's Maw. She starts "Granny Boxes" for anyone that is having a baby because she loves the little clothes and any excuse to buy them. She has four red, fat dachshund's and lots of overgrown flower beds. She always smells so good, like dove soap and Rare Pearl perfume from Avon all mixed up in cigarette smoke, and she wears muumuu's. The kind of muumuu's with African safari scenes and burn holes on the belly of them. She's awesome.

I'm so fucking pessimistic. She's going to be fine and I need to just keep thinking positive thoughts. All that good stuff and happy vibes, whatever. I'm just so scared.